Overcoming People-Pleasing
People-pleasing often involves putting others' needs ahead of our own.
Many individuals work hard to satisfy others, sometimes at the expense of their own well-being (Ooms 2023). This strong urge to satisfy others can also create psychological pressure. Therefore, by recognising one's tendency to please others, individuals can gain better insight into themselves and make more mindful choices, rather than instinctively trying to please everyone (Braiker 2001).
The Beliefs:
Many people-pleasers see meeting others' needs as a way to earn love, self-worth, and avoid rejection.
But why?
...At some point during childhood or at some meaningful moment in life, being agreeable helped protecting from conflict and rejection within social circles or families (Braiker 2001).
...Saying “no” is difficult because it gets associated with compliance and protection against rejection or isolation (Ooms 2023).
...Fear of hurting or disappointing others can lead to difficulty expressing their needs and a tendency to remain silent in order to seek approval (Ehman 2021; Svoboda 2008).
The Risks of People-Pleasing:
The challenge is that people-pleasing behaviours might sometimes cause unwanted results, especially when the hope for acceptance isn't fulfilled.
People-pleasers tend to be very friendly, cooperative, and caring, often showing high agreeableness…however, they might also experience emotions more deeply, especially feelings like anxiety and self-doubt, which can sometimes weigh on them (Bagby et al. 2001).
They often experience more mental health challenges like anxiety and depression because of the emotional pressure from their strong desire to please others (Trull and Widiger, 2013).
These behaviours are connected to feeling emotionally drained because of taking on extra responsibilities to seek approval, which can negatively impact their overall well-being (Ehman 2021; Robins et al. 1994).
Overcoming People-Pleasing:
There are several ways in which those unhelpful beliefs can be dismantled…
Here are some useful steps that could be taken:
- Investigate Root Causes
- Understanding Triggers
- Hypnotherapy to support you in setting and Maintaining Boundaries based on your core values. Dismantling and getting rid of outdated, unhelpful beliefs
- Use M-BCT exercises to build your confidence in asserting yourself and say "no" when you want to
Watch a video here
References
·Bagby, R. M. , Gilchrist E. J., Rector N. A., et al. 2001. “The Stability and Validity of the Sociotropy and Autonomy Personality Dimensions as Measured by the Revised Personal Style Inventory.” Cognitive Therapy and Research 25, no. 6: 765–779. 10.1023/A:1012975524455.
Blake, H. 2015. Pleaser Syndrome: The Good Person Who Can't Say No, edited by Jiang J. W.. Mechanical Industry Press.
Braiker, H. B. 2001. The Disease to Please: Curing the People‐Pleasing Syndrome. McGraw‐Hill. [Google Scholar]
Byrne, B. M. 2012. Structural Equation Modeling With Mplus: Basic Concepts, Applications, and Programming. Taylor & Francis/Routledge.
Ehman, K. 2021. When Making Others Happy Is Making You Miserable: How to Break the Pattern of People Pleasing and Confidently Live Your Life. Zondervan.
Kuang, X., Li, H., Luo, W., Zhu, J., & Ren, F. (2025). The Mental Health Implications of People-Pleasing: Psychometric Properties and Latent Profiles of the Chinese People-Pleasing Questionnaire. PsyCh journal, 14(4), 500–512. https://doi.org/10.1002/pchj.70016
Ooms, V. 2023. Do It for You: How to Stop People‐Pleasing and Find Peace. Vanooms Media INC.
Robins, C. J. , Ladd J., Welkowitz J., Blaney P. H., Diaz R., and Kutcher G.. 1994. “The Personal Style Inventory: Preliminary Validation Studies of New Measures of Sociotropy and Autonomy.” Journal of Psychopathology and Behavioural Assessment 16, no. 4: 277–300. 10.1007/BF02239408. [
Svoboda, E. 2008. “May I Serve as Your Doormat? Why Are Some People So Focused on Pleasing Others That They Sacrifice Their Own Needs?” Psychology Today 41, no. 3:
Trull, T. J. , and Widiger T. A.. 2013. “Dimensional Models of Personality: The Five‐Factor Model and the DSM‐5.” Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience 15, no. 2: 135–146. 10.31887/DCNS.2013.15.2
Loving-Kindness Meditation
Today, I invite you to join me in my favourite meditation—a gentle, timeless practice that has soothed hearts for centuries. Rooted in ancient Buddhist tradition and supported by science, this meditation offers an enduring sense of calm and well-being to those who embrace it over time.
What researchers have noticed:
Emotionally…
The inner relationship improves:
Loving-kindness meditation gently quiets the inner critic, softening the edges of self-judgement and inviting a compassionate sense of self-acceptance (Shahar et al., 2015). A 7-week trial resulted in a marked reduction in self-harming impulses (Fredrickson et al., 2008).
Then relationships with others follow the same positive pattern…
Loving-kindness meditation opens the heart, weaving threads of empathy towards others and strengthening the bonds we share, both at work and in the wider tapestry of our lives (Hutcherson et al., 2008; Don et al., 2022).
Trauma & Burn-out
For those carrying the weight of old wounds, compassion and self-love meditations have been shown to ease the burden, soften the echoes of trauma, and bring moments of peace (Kearney et al., 2013).
This practice can nurture resilience, acting as a protective factor against burnout in healthcare providers (Seppala et al., 2014).
Physically…
Regularly practising Loving Kindness Meditation is associated with increased vagal tone, an index of well-being and life satisfaction (Kok et al., 2013).
Practising has shown soothing effects in people suffering from chronic back pain (Carson et al., 2005) and migraine (Tonelli & Wachholtz, 2014).
It can help preserve your telomeres (DNA protective caps), potentially keeping you young at a deep biological level (Le Nguyen et al., 2019)
What do you notice?
Try it and let me know:
Head to my Instagram profile to practice with me
Or read on:
Loving kindness meditation
“May I be healthy, well, at ease, light, happy, peaceful, strong, safe.”
Find a comfortable position, perhaps sit with your back straight, or stand with your back supported against a wall. Close your eyes if it feels right for you, or gently lower your gaze to and focus your attention on your heart. You can also rest a hand there if it helps.
Begin by sending loving-kindness to *yourself*, repeating your chosen phrases three times. For example:
“May I be healthy, safe, and strong.”
Next, picture someone you care deeply about (not a romantic partner), someone you see often, and someone you’re currently having challenges with. Envision the four of you sitting together in a circle. Keeping all of them in mind, repeat your chosen phrases to your circle three times.
“May we be healthy, safe, strong.”
Next, visualise your loving-kindness expanding from your immediate circle to perhaps your town, country, continent, and eventually across the world, embracing all living beings.
Repeat this phrase three times: “May all beings on the planet be healthy, safe, and strong.”
Next, visualise loving-kindness emanating from our planet, extending into space and reaching all life-forms across the cosmos, as you repeat the phrase:
“May all beings throughout all time and space be healthy, safe, and strong.”
Slowly bring your awareness back to your breath and your surroundings, let yourself readjust to the external world, and then gradually open your eyes or lift your gaze.
May you keep this feeling of love and kindness with you for the rest of your day.
If you wish to wander deeper, you are welcome to reach out.
References:
Carson, J. W., Keefe, F. J., Lynch, T. R., Carson, K. M., Goli, V., Fras, A. M., & Thorp, S. R. (2005). Loving-kindness meditation for chronic low back pain: Results from a pilot trial. Journal of Holistic Nursing, 23(3),287–304. https://doi.org/10.1177/0898010105277651
Don, B. P., Van Cappellen, P., & Fredrickson, B. L. (2022). Training in mindfulness or loving-kindness meditation is associated with lower variability in social connectedness across time. Mindfulness, 13, 1173–1184. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-022-01856-0
Fredrickson, B. L., Cohn, M. A., Coffey, K. A., Pek, J., & Finkel, S. M. (2008). Open hearts build lives: Positive emotions, induced through loving-kindness meditation, build consequential personal resources. Journal of Personal and Social Psychology, 95(5),1045–1062. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0013262
Hutcherson, C. A., Seppala, E. M., & Gross, J. J. (2008). Loving-kindness meditation increases social connectedness. Emotion, 8(5), 720–724. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0013237
Kearney, D. J., Malte, C. A., McManus, C., Martinez, M. E., Felleman, B., & Simpson, T. L. (2013). Loving-kindness meditation for posttraumatic stress disorder: A pilot study. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 26(4), 426–434. https://doi.org/10.1002/jts.21832
Kok, B. E., Coffey, K. A., Cohn, M. A., Catalino, L. I., Vacharkulksemsuk, T., Algoe, S. B., Brantley, M., & Fredrickson, B. L. (2013). How positive emotions build physical health: Perceived positive social connections account for the upward spiral between positive emotions and vagal tone. Psychological Science, 24(7), 1123–1132. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797612470827
Le Nguyen, K. D., Lin, J., Algoe, S. B., Brantley, M. M., Kim, S. L., Brantley, J., Salzberg, S., & Fredrickson, B. L. (2019). Loving-kindness meditation slows biological aging in novices: Evidence from a 12-week randomized controlled trial. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 108, 20–27. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2019.05.020
Seppala, E. M., Hutcherson, C. A., Nguyen, D. T., Doty, J. R., & Gross, J. J. (2014). Loving-kindness meditation: A tool to improve healthcare provider compassion, resilience, and patient care. Journal of Compassionate Health Care, 1. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40639-014-0005-9
Shahar, B., Szsepsenwol, O., Zilcha-Mano, S., Haim, N., Zamir, O., Levi-Yeshuvi, S., & Levit-Binnun N. (2015). A wait-list randomized controlled trial of loving-kindness meditation program for self-criticism. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, 22(4), 346–356. https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.1893
Tonelli, M. E., & Wachholtz, A. B. (2014). Meditation-based treatment yielding immediate relief for meditation-naïve migraineurs. Pain Management Nursing, 15(1), 36–40. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pmn.2012.04.002
Mindfulness & Sleep Quality
By strengthening the mind-body link, mindfulness and relaxation techniques can promote emotional stability, diminish rumination, improve sleep quality, and reduce insomnia symptoms over time.
Maintaining good sleep habits, using effective therapeutic tools, and adopting healthy routines is vital in today’s world[1]. Globally, nearly one-third of people suffer from sleep deprivation or poor sleep[2], with 10% to 20% of adults facing insomnia[3]. These issues significantly impact physical and mental health[4].
Poor sleep has been linked to worse cognitive function and maladaptive behaviours[5] .
A comprehensive meta-analysis found that improving sleep quality benefits mental health[6], and other studies confirm better sleep correlates with enhanced cognition and academic success[7]. While Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I) remains the primary non-drug approach[8], complementary methods like mindfulness meditation may also promote better sleep[9].
Meditation has shown promising results as an accessible, cost-effective way to enhance sleep[10]. The Relaxation Response theory[11] suggests that mindfulness practices activate the parasympathetic nervous system, producing calming physiological effects.
Benson’s studies revealed decreases in heart rate, oxygen consumption, carbon dioxide levels, respiratory and heart rates, blood pressure, and an increase in slow alpha waves—physiological signs of relaxation.
Recent research indicates that mindfulness meditation can influence cognitive and emotional factors linked to poor sleep, such as reducing negative thoughts, emotional reactivity, and promoting adaptive reappraisal of experiences[12]. Jain et al. [13](2007) attributed meditation’s stress-reducing effects to skills like present-moment focus and awareness of internal and external states, which help diminish intrusive thoughts and behaviours.
Brain imaging studies, including fMRI, show meditation can decrease activity in brain regions involved in emotional responses, especially the amygdala, indicating lower emotional and cognitive reactivity[14]..
Both mindfulness and meditation aim to strengthen the mind-body connection, often through breathing, facilitating awareness of bodily stress or tension[15].
When the amygdala detects a stressor, it sends raw signals to the body before cognitive assessment, which can be problematic with everyday stressors that aren’t real threats[16].
Increasing body awareness through mindfulness may help individuals identify stress early, delay reactive responses, and allow time for conscious evaluation.
Ong et al.[17] (2012) suggest that acceptance-based meditation fosters positive outcomes by increasing awareness of insomnia-related states and teaching strategies to shift mental processes.
Although ongoing research is necessary to fully understand meditation’s effects on sleep, current evidence indicates that regular practice can train the brain to be less emotionally reactive, supporting better focus and emotional regulation.
By strengthening the mind-body link, mindfulness and relaxation techniques can promote emotional stability, diminish rumination, improve sleep quality, and reduce insomnia symptoms over time[18].
Wishing to improve your sleep and your mind-body connection?
Join one of my online Mindfulness Trainings (two routes, Mindfulness Journey and Mindfulness for Adults with ADHD).
Sleep Therapy Bundles are available from mid-September: Hypnotherapy, sleep hygiene coaching, yoga nidra and guided meditation.
Reach out and book a free discovery call.
[1] Good Sleep for Good Health, 2024
[2] Ohayon, M. M. (2011). Epidemiological Overview of sleep Disorders in the General Population. Sleep Medicine Research, 2(1), 1–9. https://doi.org/10.17241/smr.2011.2.1.1
[3] Morin, C. M., & Jarrin, D. C. (2022). Epidemiology of Insomnia: Prevalence, Course, Risk Factors, and Public Health Burden. Sleep medicine clinics, 17(2), 173–191. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jsmc.2022.03.003
[4] Nelson, K. L., Davis, J. E., & Corbett, C. F. (2021). Sleep quality: An evolutionary concept analysis. Nursing Forum, 57(1), 144–151. https://doi.org/10.1111/nuf.12659
[5] Chattu, V. K., Manzar, M. D., Kumary, S., Burman, D., Spence, D. W., & Pandi-Perumal, S. R. (2018). The Global Problem of Insufficient Sleep and Its Serious Public Health Implications. Healthcare (Basel, Switzerland), 7(1), 1. https://doi.org/10.3390/healthcare7010001
[6] Scott, A. J., Webb, T. L., James, M. M., Rowse, G., & Weich, S. (2021). Improving sleep quality leads to better mental health: A meta-analysis of randomised controlled trials. Sleep Medicine Reviews, 60, 101556. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.smrv.2021.101556
[7] Okano, K., Kaczmarzyk, J. R., Dave, N., Gabrieli, J. D. E., & Grossman, J. C. (2019). Sleep quality, duration, and consistency are associated with better academic performance in college students. Npj Science of Learning, 4(1).https://doi.org/10.1038/s41539-019-0055-z
[8] Koffel, E., Bramoweth, A. D., & Ulmer, C. S. (2018b). Increasing access to and utilization of cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia (CBT-I): a narrative review. Journal of General Internal Medicine, 33(6), 955–962. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11606-018-4390-1
[9] Winbush, N. Y., Gross, C. R., & Kreitzer, M. J. (2007). The Effects of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction on Sleep Disturbance: A Systematic Review. EXPLORE, 3(6), 585–591. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.explore.2007.08.003
[10] A.Black, D. S., O’Reilly, G. A., Olmstead, R., Breen, E. C., & Irwin, M. R. (2015). Mindfulness meditation and improvement in sleep quality and daytime impairment among older adults with sleep disturbances. JAMA Internal Medicine, 175(4), 494. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamainternmed.2014.8081
[11] Benson, H., & Klipper, M. Z. (2001). The relaxation response. Quill.
[12] Rusch, H. L., Rosario, M., Levison, L. M., Olivera, A., Livingston, W. S., Wu, T., & Gill, J. M. (2018). The effect of mindfulness meditation on sleep quality: a systematic review and meta‐analysis of randomized controlled trials. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1445(1), 5–16. https://doi.org/10.1111/nyas.13996
[13] Jain, S., Shapiro, S. L., Swanick, S., Roesch, S. C., Mills, P. J., Bell, I., & Schwartz, G. E. R. (2007). A randomized controlled trial of mindfulness meditation versus relaxation training: Effects on distress, positive states of mind, rumination, and distraction. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 33(1), 11–21. https://doi.org/10.1207/s15324796abm3301_2
[14] Davis, M. A. (2009). Understanding the relationship between mood and creativity: A meta-analysis. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 108(1), 25–38. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.obhdp.2008.04.001
Desbordes, G., Negi, L. T., Pace, T. W. W., Wallace, B. A., Raison, C. L., & Schwartz, E. L. (2012). Effects of mindful-attention and compassion meditation training on amygdala response to emotional stimuli in an ordinary, non-meditative state. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 6. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2012.00292
[15] Shapiro, S. (2020). Rewire your mind: Discover the Science and Practice of Mindfulness. Aster.
[16] Davis, M. A. (2009). Understanding the relationship between mood and creativity: A meta-analysis. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 108(1), 25–38. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.obhdp.2008.04.001
[17] Ong, J. C., Ulmer, C. S., & Manber, R. (2012). Improving sleep with mindfulness and acceptance: A metacognitive model of insomnia. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 50(11), 651–660. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2012.08.001
[18] Winbush, N. Y., Gross, C. R., & Kreitzer, M. J. (2007). The Effects of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction on Sleep Disturbance: A Systematic Review. EXPLORE, 3(6), 585–591. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.explore.2007.08.003
Neuendorf, R., Wahbeh, H., Chamine, I., Yu, J., Hutchison, K., & Oken, B. S. (2015). The Effects of Mind-Body Interventions on Sleep Quality: A Systematic review. Evidence-based Complementary and Alternative Medicine, 2015, 1–17. https://doi.org/10.1155/2015/902708
Inner Work for Deeper Change
This weekend, I had the chance to join a truly insightful and valuable advanced course on Age Regression, a therapy that focuses on inner work. It was taught by Fernanda Prado, a respected civil diplomat, therapist, and mental health lecturer - whom I am lucky enough to call my teacher.
During this engaging course, we dived into interventions that go deeper than just treating symptoms. The focus was on understanding and addressing the root causes of issues, rather than only managing what appears on the surface.
We looked at the neurobiology behind our emotions to see why some early experiences can stay unresolved until we have the right tools and understanding to address them.
That’s why approaches like Inner Child Work, Gestalt, Reparenting, Parts Work, and Belief Reframe, to cite some, can be so effective. They help us break free from old patterns and calm emotional struggles that may have shaped how we think, act, and respond for years.
These approaches invite you to explore your memories, beliefs, and emotional imprints that continue to operate behind the scenes of your life today, bringing them to awareness and inviting long-lasting inner resolutions and positive change.
If you feel ready for a meaningful change, I invite you to get in touch.
Meditation and sleep quality
A growing body of research suggests that strengthening the mind-body connection through mindfulness and relaxation techniques can enhance emotional stability, lessen rumination, improve sleep quality, and gradually reduce insomnia symptoms. Maintaining good sleep habits, using effective therapeutic tools, and adopting healthy routines are vital in today’s world[1]. Globally, nearly one-third of people suffer from sleep…